Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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