My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
