ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize