I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
