Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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