i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
