The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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