my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Randomize
