We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
