Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
why do cheetos always look like penises
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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