you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
