Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My cat gives me a boner
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
