i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize