I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
