the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
