Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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