You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize
