When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Terrible idea I love it
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize