It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Randomize
