just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
