I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
