he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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