also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
