i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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