the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Be still, my beating vagina.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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