Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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