so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Drunk is not a location!
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
