I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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