So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
