I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
