One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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