oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
