i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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