In the future we'll all be gay
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
