Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
