a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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