My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Randomize
