Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Randomize
