Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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