i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Drunk is not a location!
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
