Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
