How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
