No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Randomize
