someone owes me an orgasm
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
