I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
