the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
