There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
