Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
