The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
