Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
