So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
