You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
