Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Randomize
