Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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