my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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