dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
