I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I'm at about main and main street
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
