there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
