I need to stop coming to work sober
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your cock deserves a montage
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
