I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think your dad took our porno
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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