im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
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