I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
