mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
