yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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