i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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