Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Randomize
