The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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